{"id":15771,"date":"2004-04-06T02:32:00","date_gmt":"2004-04-06T06:32:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/hame.ink\/hameblog\/2004\/04\/06\/april-2004\/"},"modified":"2025-09-12T07:49:47","modified_gmt":"2025-09-12T10:49:47","slug":"april-2004","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/hame.ink\/blether\/2004\/04\/06\/april-2004\/","title":{"rendered":"April 2004"},"content":{"rendered":"

Thursday, April 29, 2004<\/span> , 5:45 PM<\/span><\/p>\n<\/p>\n

I\u2019m living under a lucky star these days! While in the queue to fly to Heidelberg, I noticed that my passport was going to run out the day before I was to come home. It cost forty quid to have my ticket changed so I\u2019d return the day before that. (We\u2019re not at the lucky part yet.) As soon as I got back to Edinburgh, I ran around town, collecting all the documentation I needed to apply for a new passport. God, I hate bureaucracy! My life is not the sort that fits easily into little application form boxes. I got that done and sent it off. But I\u2019m supposed to travel to Barcelona in less than two weeks, and there\u2019s next to no way that I\u2019d get my passport back before then. I figured I was out the price of my plane tickets \u2014 about a hundred quid.
\nHere\u2019s the lucky part:<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

I got a call from Air Scotland yesterday. Oh great<\/em>, I thought, they\u2019re probably calling to remind me I can\u2019t fly \u2018cause my passport\u2019s invalid<\/em>. I was glad I\u2019d noticed on the way to Heidelberg; otherwise I would have shown up to go to Spain and not been able to travel at all. It turns out, though, that Air Scotland was calling to apologise for over-booking my flight. I couldn\u2019t go to Barcelona that day. They offered me a refund.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

YAY! So now I can fly last-minute if I get my passport, but I\u2019m not out of pocket if it doesn\u2019t come through in time. I would like to go, though, to attend a conference<\/a>\u00a0that\u2019s on there, to be with my friends, and to stay at a beach house Alvaro<\/a> found for us for free!<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

The first place I went in my attempts to get a new passport was the Canadian consulate here in Edinburgh. I was told, though, by the woman at the main lobby reception desk that there isn\u2019t a consulate here anymore. She\u2019d retired. She<\/em>. The woman who was the consulate! Then my mind flipped back to a visit I made with my old boss to the Canadian consulate in Los Angeles. The consulate had airlock doors, massive office space, and a huge staff. They invited us to a lavish lunch at which we heard Lloyd Axworthy, former Minister of Foreign Affairs, speak. Unfortunately, we\u2019d just missed the big blowout party they threw for former Prime Minister (for about five minutes) Kim Campbell, in honour of the launch of the musical she wrote\u2026 about the Holocaust.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

No, seriously.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

~<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

Heidelberg was lovely. Tomasz is such great company, and the city is so beautiful. It\u2019s as simple as this: I like old stuff. Heidelberg is a music-box of a city, and now I have even more nice memories of it \u2014 the shuttered windows of flats behind tall walls along thin, cobbled lanes; the little street-signs with those narrow German fonts; the cathedral in the city, and the castle above; Tomasz and I walking up the hauptstrasse<\/em> eating ice creams in the warm air of a spring night, or dancing cool and carefree down a street where Latin music played, past people drinking beer at outdoor tables.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

My visit last year was the tourist trip. This time was more of a social visit, and I got to meet some of the people in Tomasz\u2019s world. One night we went out with a bunch of the young men and women from the American army that he works with. Americans are\u2026 Well, I\u2019ll say no more. They\u2019re different. And they don\u2019t generally blend in well, or notice (or care) that they don\u2019t.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

Another night, we went to see a woman sing who works with one of Tomasz\u2019s friends. I was picturing (I don\u2019t know why) a nervous, skinny white girl giving amateur-night kind of performance. Instead, the performer was a large young black woman with a great big voice and a very fun, confident personality. Her singing was pretty good, as she took us through a full programme of Swing-era music. Hearing Thirties music sung in a small German town was a strange experience; my sense of what year it was slipped wildly. Anything her voice lacked she made up for in enormous confidence that carried the whole show and made it a lot of fun.
\nTomasz and I spent Saturday in Mannheim, capping off the afternoon with a trip to the planetarium, reclining in the most comfortable chairs in the world, while a giant metal structure with two lens-dotted spheres rose out of the floor, looking like it was going to irradiate us all in our chairs, or zap us if we happened to float to the huge domed roof, a la Logan\u2019s Run<\/em>. In the end, there was no zapping, but a show about comets\u2026 completely in German. I made out a few words, but spent most of the time thinking little more than \u201cOoh, pretty.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

We met with the friends from the concert again that night for a dinner party. This took place in a lavish penthouse suite overlooking the Neckar River and the rest of Heidelberg, owned by a nice man named Jose \u2014 a maxilliofacial reconstructive surgeon for the Army. (Yeah, apparently they have those.) One of his creations was there, a young man who\u2019d just finished his stint in the army, who took a shine to me. He asked me for a kiss, which I gave him, and that little indiscretion became something of a hullaballoo. It all blew over by the following morning, when Tomasz and I met everyone for brunch in a small town nearby where Todd, one of the birthday boys from the previous night\u2019s party, lived. His flat was another good illustration of how the other half lives, except his was modern, full of art and audiovisual equipment, where the other featured lots of old wooden furniture pieces that looked like they\u2019d been rescued from a well-off pirate ship. With all the Gianni Versace plates and the sassy talk between the guests, I found myself wondering about the American army: Don\u2019t ask, don\u2019t tell, but scream if you want to, sister!<\/em><\/p>\n<\/p>\n

Tomasz and I had to leave lunch promptly so he could drive me to the airport. I\u2019m so happy to know him, and that I\u2019ve taken these spontaneous trips to see him. Unfortunately, circumstances make it impossible for us to be more than friends right now, and we kept things nice and simple this trip \u2014 which was probably what both of us needed more than anything (\u201cLove without complication,\u201d as he said). But he\u2019s someone really special, and I wonder if one day circumstances might be different\u2026<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

\n

10:00 AM<\/span><\/p>\n<\/p>\n

ACK! My web host had some problems and I was without e-mail for a few days and this website was down. Apologies if you\u2019ve tried to reach me and your message was bounced back to you. I assure you I\u2019m alive and well and back home in Edinburgh. The e-mail kinks may not be completely sorted out yet (the DNS information has yet to propagate itself fully through the web \u2014 I think), so please bear with me.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

\n

Wednesday, April 21, 2004<\/span> , 11:54 AM<\/span><\/p>\n<\/p>\n

I\u2019m sitting, typing in the sun. Outside, birds chirp, a baby mewls, and some people talk loudly to each other in a language I don\u2019t understand. There are two cats here in the flat. I\u2019m not a cat-person, but I have to laugh at them. They\u2019re definitely not innocent, not with the running around and getting into things that they do. But they are naive. Yes, if you pull that, that will fall down \u2014 yet each time they\u2019re surprised. They jump at bugs, they climb the furniture and chase each other, then stop and give a look that just says \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

When I was a kid, I\u2019d get so upset about things. The next day, though, my mum would ask me about them and I\u2019d say, \u201cOh, that was yesterday.\u201d I\u2019m still like that, it seems: I don\u2019t stay down for long. Getting away from things was a very good plan. I\u2019m really happy today. I love that I\u2019m old enough to know how to be me, what I need in certain situations. I\u2019ve learned stuff, things will be different, but my commitment is to having life work.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

I\u2019m excited to be here, and happy to realise that, while I think of \u2018success\u2019 as a far-off thing, I have the freedom and means to up and go wherever I want to when I feel like it. That counts for something.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

\n

Tuesday, April 20, 2004<\/span> , 2:14 PM<\/span><\/p>\n<\/p>\n

A HORSE IN GORSE<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr MacDonald has left the country.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

On the train to the airport, I saw a horse through the window. It was rolling on its back, its giant russet frame tipping back and forth, its hooves in the air. I would give anything to be that horse for a week. No thoughts or worries, no feelings it\u2019s trying not to feel. Just legs and back and muscles and lungs. To run through that endless field of grass bursting with yellow gorse beside the dark grey sea.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

But I\u2019m not a horse, I\u2019m a human being, with thoughts and confusion and feelings. So this is the best available option.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

This heart is closed for repairs.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

\n

Sunday, April 18, 2004<\/span> , 6:03 PM<\/span><\/p>\n<\/p>\n

104, 938 words. Idea in Stone <\/em>is finished.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

I walked up to the top of Calton Hill in the light rain and looked out over the city that was the setting for this novel and for so many of my thoughts over the past year-and-a-half of writing it. As always, I cried that these characters weren\u2019t going to be in my life anymore. But that happens with real people, too.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

\n

Saturday, April 17, 2004<\/span> , 12:27 PM<\/span><\/p>\n<\/p>\n

I\u2019m running my bath, gearing myself up for a day of writing. Today\u2019s task is Chapter 27, the penultimate chapter in my book. I\u2019m usually a bit nervous before setting down a chapter \u2014 particularly one so close to the end of the book \u2014 because it\u2019s an act of taking infinite possibility and transcribing it in one single, limited way. Then there are all those inappropriate-at-this-stage thoughts, which can be summarised as \u201cWhat will they think?!\u201d Of course, this is the last thing to consider while I\u2019m in the process of writing. Instead, I have to immerse myself in the story and tell the next part of it the way it wants to be told. The story always has its own integrity.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

Well, the story has its own integrity when the author is true to himself and doesn\u2019t muck about with what he\u2019s received from that place where ideas come from. But there are always those who want to tamper with that purity and integrity. Here, for instance, is an example that the creatures of hell do walk this earth:<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

http:\/\/www.customizedclassics.com\/romeo-juliet.asp<\/a> Yes, that\u2019s right: Romeo and Juliet<\/em>, customised with your names, pictures, and with a new, improved, happy ending.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/p>\n

\n

Thursday, April 15, 2004<\/span> , 11:31 AM<\/span><\/p>\n<\/p>\n

I made an awesome gazpacho yesterday. I\u2019m proud of that. Particularly odd is that it contains cucumbers, which I usually hate, but here they work. Eating it reminded me of being in Madrid last year with Lisa, sitting at a patio restaurant in a tiny side street that was more like an alley.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

I\u2019m on the phone with my GP\u2019s office. Their hold music sounds Eine Kleine Nachtmusik<\/em> played on one of those 1980s Casio calculators with the piano keys. If bureaucracy had a sound, this would be it.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

\n

Wednesday, April 14, 2004<\/span> , 12:32 PM<\/span><\/p>\n<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve met a great guy named Lorne, who I believe is going to be a good friend for a long time. Last night, we went to a movie, then he twisted my rubber arm and got me out for drinks. A big dance club was having its second anniversary, so drinks were cheap-cheap, and the place was hopping. (Lorne\u2019s speciality is promotions \u2014 he\u2019s a different form of life to me \u2014 so he likes being out on the scene.)<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

It was a school night. I drank way too much. We did have fun, though. I\u2019m trying to stir up that summer feeling of going out and living as much as possible. The only catch is \u2014 well, it\u2019s half-one, and I\u2019m just starting work (having just had a breakfast of pizza and a bowl of peanuts).<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

Dangerous. But fun.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

\n

Monday, April 12, 2004<\/span> , 9:44 PM<\/span><\/p>\n<\/p>\n

I have no groceries in the flat, so I thawed some rolls tonight and made garlic bread for supper. I\u2019d kinda forgotten to eat today. Unfortunately, the bread tore the hell out of my hard palate. Ouch. I\u2019m drinking tea now, which is nice once it\u2019s inside, but hurts like a @$*%# on the way in.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

Last night, I went to see Shaun of the Dead <\/a>with some mates. My God, it was funny. I can\u2019t begin to describe it, except to say that it raised my appreciation of British humour to a new level. Hollywood is just not capable of such a movie. I also appreciated how much I\u2019ve been paying attention that I got the humour in such a very British movie.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

~<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

Why can\u2019t I choose my feelings? I mean, they\u2019re mine, right?<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

Creative people who can\u2019t help but explore other mental territories are at greater risk, just as someone who climbs a mountain is more at risk than someone who just walks along a village lane.<\/em>
\nR.D. Laing<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

\n

Tuesday, April 06, 2004<\/span> , 9:32 AM<\/span><\/p>\n<\/p>\n

I had a great time this past weekend visiting my friend\u00a0Patrick\u2019s <\/a>family in Burghwallis, near Doncaster. I was expecting it to be a time full of \u201cOh, so that\u2019s why you do this or that\u201d, but instead, I met completely different people who all shared a common something <\/em>\u2014 and it\u2019s difficult to articulate what that was. It\u2019s a feeling, an outlook, a way of being. This quality has a lot to do with why I like hanging out with Patrick so much, so I immediately felt an affection for the rest of the family, too.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

It was a great break, to walk through the lovely countryside around their house \u2014 a completely different side of England I\u2019d not seen before, much like the spot in Belgium I visited several years ago, or my imaginations of rural France. It\u2019s also nice to stay at a \u201cgrown-up\u201d house and be taken care of by parents, even if they\u2019re not my own. I was able to completely disconnect and relax, which had the happy side-effect of rejuvenating my brain. The first two mornings I woke up, I discovered that bits of the end of my novel had bubbled up into my consciousness, fully-formed, and I watched them in my head like a movie. I love when the work gets done like that. It won\u2019t take many more writing sessions to finish the book now, and it really helps to have such a vivid sense of how things must end. Each image or event I pictured made me react with an \u201cOh, of course <\/em>that\u2019s what has to happen! That ties together this, and that, and this\u2026\u201d That gives me a lot more confidence than having to sit down and pull it out.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

The postman just stuffed something through my mail-slot, a brown paper-wrapped package the size of a book. Without even opening it, I know what it is: my annual Easter bunny from my mum. I love that she does this, even though it\u2019s silly for her to spend three times the price of the thing sending it to me. I can\u2019t wait to see them and my Toronto friends when I visit this summer. And I just booked my tickets the other day to go to Barcelona with my friend Lisa. So life is very active and mobile these days, between planning larger trips and taking these fun weekend road trips with Patrick. I worry a bit that I\u2019m not attending enough to my life here in Edinburgh (and I do feel homesick every time I go somewhere else), but life does continue apace here. I\u2019m still making new friends, each of whom is like a good book I can\u2019t wait to sit down and read.<\/p><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Thursday, April 29, 2004 , 5:45 PM I\u2019m living under a lucky star these days! While in the queue to fly to Heidelberg, I noticed that my passport was going to run out the day before I was to come home. It cost forty quid to have my ticket changed so I\u2019d return the day […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-15771","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/hame.ink\/blether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15771","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/hame.ink\/blether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/hame.ink\/blether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hame.ink\/blether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hame.ink\/blether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=15771"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/hame.ink\/blether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15771\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/hame.ink\/blether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=15771"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hame.ink\/blether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=15771"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hame.ink\/blether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=15771"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}