{"id":15322,"date":"2013-07-14T00:41:00","date_gmt":"2013-07-14T04:41:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/hame.ink\/hameblog\/2013\/07\/14\/at-a-crossroads\/"},"modified":"2025-09-12T07:50:12","modified_gmt":"2025-09-12T10:50:12","slug":"at-a-crossroads","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/hame.ink\/blether\/2013\/07\/14\/at-a-crossroads\/","title":{"rendered":"At a Crossroads"},"content":{"rendered":"
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[Transcription of today\u0092s sketchblog\u0085]<\/em><\/p>\n<\/p>\n

Last night after work I had dinner with Dan\u0085 This came at the end of a week in which I had great connections with so many people in the company, on the team, who told me how much they like working with me, how talented I am, how much they depend on me — plus a whole bunch of new opportunities came up, and I made up a few of my own. Essentially, last night Dan told me I could make my own future in the company.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

Making this all the more difficult is the brain-fog I feel today: I woke up at 6 or so, as I have been for most of this week, so I showered, ate breakfast, and read a little. I felt tired, so I lay down for a little nap\u0085 and woke up at 11!<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

The most plausible explanation I can find for this is a bag of corn chips I had the other day. Oh yeah, and the Reese\u0092s Peanut Butter Cups I had after.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

I couldn\u0092t make it home before visiting Lisa and Alvaro because the streetcars here are so damned slow after the flood and because of the Honda Indy, and every car I have taken on this trip \u0093short turns\u0094 unexpectedly — going up to the station instead of to the destination on the sign. So I couldn\u0092t get home for supper and ended up in a convenience store looking for something to munch on.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

Hamishes aren\u0092t good at moderation: If I want to be balanced about something, I have to take it out of my environment. I don\u0092t see corn chips very often, and on this occasion my defences were down. I became a monster.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

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\u0085And now I have brain-fog. I should be visiting with people since I\u0092m here, but I can\u0092t imagine sustaining conversation or having the energy to be \u0093on\u0094 — plus I have done a lot of that this week. It\u0092s been great, but I\u0092m a introvert and I need to get my energy back by being on my own today.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

So here I am, writing, drawing, and thinking about the future.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

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Being around Dan<\/a> this week, having such long and intense conversations with him about big topics (like about being a \u0093self-organizing individual\u0094) had a real effect on me. It\u0092s like we were talking about one thing, exploring a topic together, but my cells were being sped up like they say about being in the presence of a Zen master, receiving a \u0093transmission\u0094. He\u0092s the last one to seek guru status, but his intense focus, the clarity of his ideas — even when I feel really challenged by his views — I appreciate the depth of them and I\u0092m challenged to find my own thoughts.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

Well, all this speed gave me a feeling of purpose and direction that I had given up on. Scotland has little use for me, and Wick has none.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

I guess I wanted to move north so I could be free of demands and create, to see what I could come up with. Of course, in Kolbe<\/a> parlance I\u0092m a Facilitator\/Mediator, so I need to get energy by responding to something. I wanted to move into the afterlife, to be in a space of pure freedom. It\u0092s been great, spending that time with Craig, finding that no matter how much time we spend together I want more. But now I feel plugged back in. I can see a future that\u0092s a bit scary but is full, where I have no future in Wick. I love the coast; I love the people I\u0092ve met and the things I have seen. I love what I have been free to create. But this\u0085<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

But \u0093this\u0094 would mean making a big move. We\u0092ve talked about it, but with equal confusion, neither of us driving. I don\u0092t want to force Craig and I hate the thought of him having to give anything up for me. But if we did this, I would have more to give him and I would become so much more than the vision of me that\u0092s living on life support up there.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

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My darling is on his way tomorrow. We need to talk again about all this, but this time it\u0092s not just an idea, a should<\/em> (\u0093I should live closer to my parents\u0094), it\u0092s something that fits together with greater sense than nething else I can imagine.<\/p><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

[Transcription of today\u0092s sketchblog\u0085] Last night after work I had dinner with Dan\u0085 This came at the end of a week in which I had great connections with so many people in the company, on the team, who told me how much they like working with me, how talented I am, how much they depend […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-15322","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/hame.ink\/blether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15322","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/hame.ink\/blether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/hame.ink\/blether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hame.ink\/blether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hame.ink\/blether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=15322"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/hame.ink\/blether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15322\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/hame.ink\/blether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=15322"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hame.ink\/blether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=15322"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hame.ink\/blether\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=15322"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}