• It begins. Again

    Tonight is my first official night of work on the new book.

    It’s called Finity. It’s about an insurance salesman at the end of the world. My aim is to write a funny book about climate change. How hard could that be, eh?

    There’s a great website called SciTalk. It’s a directory of scientists in varying disciplines, tired of seeing their field misrepresented, who are making themselves available to writers. This way the writers get their facts straight and the scientists get the chance to be portrayed as something other than stereotypes.

    So as my first official act of working on the book, I contacted a handful of people through the website and got two responses right away — and great ones. Climate change is such a huge issue, and there are so many complex layers of science to it; it feels really good to have some experts in my corner.

    ~

    My scanner died. I wanted to include a cartoon in an e-mail I was writing to the whole company at work, but the thing is just broken — and I’m good at diagnosing and repairing these things, so I’m convinced the hardware is dead. From sitting there on my desk. I hate that. So I took a picture of the drawing with my mobile phone and managed to make that work, then ordered a new scanner. It wasn’t that expensive, but the waste really bothers me, both the money and the big piece of useless plastic. It’s not like you can fix this stuff.

    ~

    Okay, I’m leaving the PC, going over to my bed, and I’m going to start piecing this story together. It’s Burns Night, and I just ate my usual goop for dinner. But I figure doing writing work is a pretty relevant way to mark the occasion.

  • Interiority

    I’m spending this Sunday afternoon in my room, taking time to wander into the forest of my imagination. I find myself getting caught up in the business of grown-up life and losing my interiority — paying bills, making plans, working hard, and not using my imagination at all. Yet I consider that imagination the best part of me.

    It’s time to get this next novel underway. Thank God I’ve done this three times before, so if nothing else, the law of averages says that I’ll be able to do it again. Thank you, Past-Me for doing your work.

    ~

    Thursday night, the newest addition to my cadre of friends, Stephen Duffy, invited me through to Glasgow to see a concert by the BBC Scottish Symphony Orchestra. The weather was dreich and I had a lot of work to do that could have taken me into the evening, but I knew that going was more interesting than not-going.

    The Glasgow City Halls were renovated specifically for the orchestra, and they did a wonderful job of it. The performance space is a big, bright, open hall, all light-coloured wood and whitewashed walls (where before it was apparently dark, brooding, and, as Stephen says, “The nicest word I can think of for it is… municipal.”). Surprisingly, for such a large, rectangular space, the sound was beautiful. It’s always so pleasing when planners, designers, and builders get things right. (Where the default expectation is that large groups of people will always foul a thing up.)

    But as they said to Mrs Lincoln, “Yes, but how was the show?”

    Great.

    Now, my dad is a huge fan of classical music, and on the weekend we were usually woken up by some blaring chorus or a woman screaming in Italian. As a rule, he tends to hate modern compositions, and I get where he’s coming from: most of them are the aural equivalent of getting stabbed repeatedly with knitting needles.

    This evening’s program began with a concerto called Sangsters: Concerto for Orchestra by a modern composer named Sally Beamish. There was no mistaking its modernity: no pleasant melodies, no easy-to-follow themes — altogether difficult for an unschooled listener like me. (Why respected art needs to be difficult and accessible art is considered lesser is another conversation.)

    What I did appreciate, though, was that there were images, scenes, and ideas folded into the music that rose like steam from the orchestra, as if their black concert clothes had been soaked by the waves and rain of the sea-scape the concerto described, and they were being warmed dry by describing the shore to the audience with their efforts.

    The second piece was Beethoven’s Concerto for Piano and Orchestra No.2. That was easy. The guest pianist, Robert Levin, was a marvel. The sheer ease and precision with which he could play such a fast-flowing stream of notes made my jaw drop. Better still, though, was that he was truly playing. His sense of fun was irresistible, as he took the vertebrae of the piano-keys and tickled them, dove into them like a Swedish masseur, then hovered his hands over them, teasing out single notes. Sheer joy.

    The third piece of the evening was Mendelssohn’s “Scottish Symphony” (Symphony No. 3 in a Minor). I’ve wanted to hear this in full ever since I toured the Palace at Holyrood House at the foot of the Royal Mile here in Edinburgh. Its abbey is an enormous stone ruin, a dark grey, orderly cavern overgrown with lush foliage. The commentary on the audio tour recording said that this place was Mendelssohn’s inspiration for writing the piece.

    Throughout it, the conductor, a compact man with just a cirrus cloud of brown hair on top of his head, danced back and forth, gesturing at the orchestra, daring them on one moment, pushing them back like King Canute another, flicking them away casually, then lifting them up to a triumphant, blaring finale.

    After the main program was a recital of two more pieces by Sally Beamish with two cellists, one a shambling Stephen King figure (Robert Irvine), the other an intense young woman with a sweep of brown hair across her face (Sian Bell).

    The man played the first piece, Gala Water, which had been commissioned by a small town; the composer wrote a piece that hinted at a local folk-tune, not really fully disclosing the tune until the end. I’m not sure how the town felt about it, though, because the place it described in my mind was a bombed-out town covered in dust and rubble, with a boy walking through it, kicking at rocks, passing the fountain in the centre of town, which was filled with petrol and on fire, then finding a small piece of mirror which reflected — just for a second — a piece of blue sky that clouded over as he looked up.

    “Thanks, Miss, here’s your cheque. We’ll, um, explain to the city council later how we’re going to use this piece of music.” Still, I did enjoy it, and the cellist, Robert Irvine, was pure genius.

    The second piece, a duet, was commissioned for a workshop, in which craftspeople made instruments after the Stradivarius school of violin-making. At the end, one of the parts in this piece was played by an original Stradivarius, and the other was played on a raw, white, unlaquered violin that had been produced during the workshop. (The composer said that there was no appreciable difference in the quality of sound between the two instruments.) For this performance, though, the two cellos played. Irvine’s sounded deeper, experienced and thoughtful, whereas Bell’s sounded bright and energetic.

    So, a good evening, to say the least. I’m grateful for the opportunities I get through my friends to go to so many different interesting events.

    Of course, my head is constantly turning toward the novel like a ship to the wind. Everywhere I see discussion of climate change (which, I suppose is not just due to my attention, but because it’s the latest media obsession and does also seem to be the biggest issue facing us). I’m doing lots of reading and research, and I’m starting to bother myself by constantly bringing the topic up in conversation. (This is the biggest danger with the issue, I fear, growing numb to it from over-exposure; that’s why I want to write something funny about it — which is no small challenge.) The plot is constantly flipping this way and that in my head, too, arranging and rearranging itself.

    This is the always the scariest part, when the story could be anything, and it’s easiest to think of outcome, of effect, the “what will people think?” factor — which is, not properly handled, the domain of writer’s block. Which brings me back to interiority: the story already exists inside me in its truthful, honest form. I just need to cultivate the attention and courage to go deep enough to find it, then carry it out.

  • New Year’s Excavation


    This is me with my brother and sister-in-law on New Year’s Eve. I’ve adopted my bro’s group of friends, because I was rubbish about keeping in touch with people from high school, and now if I know anyone on the Island, it’s probably from my days of working in the theatre here.

    Of course, Ian and Ellen’s gang are all married and have children, and two of them are even ministers, so we don’t have that much in common, yet they’re all fun, open-minded people, as well as having each become successful in their chosen careers. The geeks, as they say, shall inherit the earth.

    <

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    We started with dinner at Barry and Shannon’s. Barry shared an expression of his twin brother’s related to getting married: “Pulling the ring”. When I asked him what that meant, he illustrated by tugging at his ring finger then miming inflating like a life raft and the hair popping off the top of his head. I had a good laugh at that one. I don’t know if it’s my decade of attempted vegetarianism or my singledom, but I’m happy I’ve managed to dodge that one.

    <

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    After dinner, we went to “The Guild”, the bank where I opened my first account, which has now been converted into an arts and performance space. The crowd wasn’t quite who I expected — more like the parents of who I expected. These were not people accustomed to dancing more than once a year, either, so there were four styles on display that night:

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    — The Straight-Guy Two-Step

    — The Class-Takers. They danced well, but you could practically see their lips moving as they counted out their steps.

    — The Zombie. He shuffled back and forth and from time to time stretched his arms out.

    — The Electrocuted Chicken in Slow Motion. I loved this guy, with his hinged arms swinging from his shoulders. He was awful, but, dammit, he was expressive.

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    The band was great. And I enjoyed being out with my bro’ and sis’. I don’t get to see that much of them, and whenever I hang out with my brother, I’m struck by how much I like him. Our ways of thinking, our sense of humour — it’s like we’re genetically predisposed to getting along.

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    “¦Well, now. A few hours ago, as Mom, Dad, and I struggled to shove the tree away under the stairs, Mom found a photo from a Christmas ages ago. In the picture, I was about five, and I’d just opened a present. I looked overjoyed, and my mum pointed out that, from the edge of my brother’s face, it seemed like he was smiling. “See,” she said. I conceded that, okay, there must have been a few rare moments when we weren’t being nasty to each other. (Except on our camping trips, when suddenly we became each other’s best friend.)

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    From the photo, my mum remembered a box, which she pointed out to me. “Could you take a look through that,” she asked, “and see if you want to keep it?”

    <

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    So for the past two hours (with a break from some excellent corn chowder Dad made), I’ve been on an archaeological dig through my past. Most of the bulk was tax receipts I was obliged to keep, but now they’re so old I could chuck them. Same with the zillion headshots from my acting days (even then I was cursed with the awkward rictus of an expression I still get whenever a camera is aimed at me). I chucked those, too.

    <

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    The other material, though, slowed me down: a hundred birthday and Christmas cards, stacks of letters from Mom with newspaper clippings inside, reviews from my last theatre gig, stray bits of creative writing, and material from the play I wrote and acted in with Cosgrove — promotions, reviews, posters, handbills, photos, and the working script. Then I found receipts and orders and notes of congratulations from the release of doubleZero.

    <

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    Pay stubs reminded me of jobs I’d forgotten, and letters and cards brought people back to mind who I’d forgotten about, some friends, some of them romances. I’ve fancied so many people through the years. Seeing some of those names, my mind immediately did what I call “black-booking”: going back through an old list of ‘possibles’, trying to find someone I could look up. But those people are so far away, and likely on to other things in their lives. Oh, and I live on another continent now.

    <

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    That stack of paper reminded me of some really difficult, low times, and it also made me acknowledge this life that I’ve built bit by bit. Something I wrote years ago on the corner of one of these pages feels apt: “The longest distance between two points is life.”

    <

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    Some family friends are here to say goodbye, so I’m going to go.

  • …Including moderation

    Last night, my parents’ best friends, the Robinsons, had my folks and me over for dinner. But this was no ordinary dinner. Dad and Rob Robinson have taken cooking classes with a chef named Stephen Hunter (who also runs a little inn in Victoria, Prince Edward Island), and this meal was made for us by him in the Robinsons’ home.

    <

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    I like the Robinsons a lot, and see why they mean so much to my parents as friends. Their children have also grown up to be good and talented people in their own rights. So the conversation flowed as rich as the verdicchio and the shiraz cabernet sauvingon we drank.

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    My convictions require me to be a vegetarian whenever possible, but sometimes situations (and others’ generosity) compel me to be flexible and open to other experiences. I can live with myself as long as I honour where my meal came from, which, by the time it arrives on the table, seems more respectful than wasting it.

    <

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    So here’s what we had, served by the chef himself:

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    Hand-made ravioli, stuffed with a creamy artichoke filling, served with seared scallops and broiled tomato, with chives crossed overtop.

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    Stuffed Morello mushrooms. Stephen’s brother sent these to him from the Yukon, where they only grow after a fire. Wow, what a rare and unique gift! We had these with some broccoli and creamy risotto, and the main attraction, a velvety soft, rare beef butt filet.

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    For dessert, we had pears in simple syrup that had been poached in Galliano, Goldschlager, served with coffee ice cream drizzled with maple cappucino sauce in an almond-crunch cookie shell.

    <

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    I must admit I was still a bit loopy when we got home, and had another night of being awake until some crazy time. But I’m getting lots of ‘sitting around doing nothing’ time. I ate through two books in the past two days, and today I bought some more — more research, and even a novel. I want to read a good, juicy novel.

  • Happy Lumpmas

    Fundraiser lights in Rustico

    (Me in front of a house in Rustico, PEI — part cold, part stunned by the yard-full of decorations.)

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    Ah, bliss. I’m with my family, getting through the pile of books I brought with me, and doing lots of nothing.

    <

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    I know I’m relaxed because I’m laughing at everything, especially my brother’s dog, with her moans of pleasure or tiredness, and her swamp-gas farting.

  • It sucks in the 4%

    Last night was our company Xmas party. It was great to kick up my heels with these people who all work so hard together through the year.

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    The event was at the Steamwhistle brewery, a converted old railyard roundhouse. So the beer flowed free and I drank my head off, as you do at these things. I wore my kilt, so I got the requisite question and some grabbing, but I didn’t get to be inappropriate because the one guy I fancied… Well, you know. He’s in the other 96%. So I got to watch him try to score all evening, then finally succeed.

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    Of course, getting entangled on these trips is a bad idea, I know that from experience. Last night at the party a friend gave me an update on the fella from a few Christmases ago. He’s happily involved. I was indifferent when she told me, but I must confess that this morning I feel less indifferent. (For future reference, I never want these updates.)

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    Drink makes things important that aren’t.

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    Now I’m on an airplane, rehydrating a hangover with a plastic glass of ice water. A million thanks go to my teammate Shannon, who drove me to the airport. I dread to think what a shambles I would have been if I had to get there on public transit with my overweight bag and three hours’ sleep. Thanks also to Lisa and Alvaro, whose medicine cabinet I raided this morning for some Tylenol. I figured they owed me: their puppy pissed on my bed.

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    I’ve had lots of requests over the past few days for me to move back to Toronto, which would be far too easy. But no, Scotland is calling me home.

    <

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    For now, I’m off to see my family, and I can’t wait.

  • Can I have all this?

    Yesterday I got a pay-rise. And a free lunch with some of my team-mates at The Coach. And a gift certificate — which I had to spend last night ’cause I’m leaving town tomorrow. I bought myself some smelly stuff at Aveda, which I would never have bought on my own.

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    Just now at the office, I got gifts from Catherine (my editor) and Julia (who visited this summer).

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    It’s all a bit overwhelming to me, and it feels like it’s underlining something I need to learn about gracefully accepting gifts, rewards, and compliments — and handling the idea that I might be worth them.

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    Before my mad dash to the mall, I had dinner with my friend Robert. He’s such an amazing man. Not only does he run a great restaurant here in Ontario for the half of the year when he’s not in Trinidad, he also works tirelessly raising money for charities. Last year he collected $30,000 for other people in need. Even better: he makes it fun. He’s not long-suffering or showy about it; he does it purely out of love. Being in his presence last night, I was so moved I couldn’t help getting teary.

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    The richest people I know are also the people who give away the most and live the biggest adventures.

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    Over our excellent dinner (at a Thai restaurant at Alexander and Yonge — check it out) Robert acknowledged the life I’m living: “I look at you,” he said, “and you’ve really got it made.” Me?

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    I do, I really do.

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    I remember the instructor saying in a workshop I took years ago, “How good can you stand it to be?” It’s true: we can do great things, or we can create messes. It all ends the same, but the experience along the way is so completely different. I know that I’m the author of this abundance that I’m blessed with right now. At the same time, I know that it flows around me; I didn’t do this at all. A life that works is a combination of sweat and magic.

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    I’m overwhelmed with joy and gratitude.

  • The hamster’s new gloves

    Mentioning that I’d lost my gloves wasn’t a cry for help, by the way. I went to the Mountain Equipment Co-op yesterday to get my suitcase fixed and I picked up a new pair. So I just wanted to head off any last-minute Xmas gifts in case my family were on here with thoughts of circumventing my “no stuff” Xmas plan.

    It’s been a busy weekend. Lots of visiting, heading back and forth across town. Yesterday I hung out with Cosgrove and Eric, then went to meet Kirsten and her family (drinking margaritas and drawing with her son, listening to her talk about plans for a bicycle trip to Peru and wondering if it was time to get back on a bike and do an adventure with them again). From there I went to our friend Tammy’s annual soup party, where I had some really engaging conversations with people whose lives and work are totally different from mine (I love that). Afterward, Cosgrove, Eric, and I went to a party with people who, in the social scheme of things, I should have had a lot in common with, but I found most of them loud, annoying, and pointless.

    Today was brunch with my editor and some people I’d met through her this summer. I walked home through a freakishly warm afternoon (I bought an ice cream — in December?), and I hung out here at home with Alvaro. Shortly I’ll be off for dinner with someone else.

    So much eating. Somehow I’m still skinny. I guess it’s walking back and forth across the city. I expect to balloon once I hit Charlottetown.

    ~

    In my walks, I’ve had lots of time to think. It’s staggering, this city. It’s so dense with different sorts of people, and it’s impossible to be in this confluence of humanity without bumping into lots of issues (the environment, homelessness, the point of it all, etc.).

    I’m thinking lots about this next book, and am feeling really challenged with the scope of it: how do I make a huge topic like climate change approachable, so I’m telling one story and not getting preachy or being wildly wrong when talking about something that I couldn’t possibly research completely.

    On the other hand, I’m also thinking (again) about the question of how mainstream I want to get. I’m completely free now that I have my own press to do exactly what I want. And I do feel charged to write about characters with same-sex feelings, since that’s what I know and because I want to put the kind of work out into the world that I want out there, rather than complaining that everything on offer is photocopied from the same frivolous gay template. I also love magical realism, and the room it gives my imagination. And I know that reading such un-everyday logic drives some people squirrelly.

    But then there’s that horrible feeling of apology that comes up when, for instance, people like my mum’s cousin ask to read the last book and I know it has scenes in it, and that it doesn’t make the conventional sense of a Maeve Binchy or Anne Tyler.

    This, I know, is the sword of mediocrity, and I don’t want to fall on it. But I also don’t want to keep people out of the substance of my work by writing about characters that 95% of the population aren’t going to completely relate to. As Lisa said to me the other night about Idea in Stone, “I loved that book, but even as I was reading it I couldn’t help thinking ‘I don’t know how someone would go about selling this. Who would you market it to?’ It doesn’t fit into one category.”

    This is the stuff of Writer’s Block: thinking about outcome and effect instead of just doing my work, which is engaging with my imagination and telling a story honestly. What I really have to do is just go into the story and see what’s there. It’s a mammoth trapped in an iceberg, and this is a warm December.

    I’d like to hear people’s thoughts about this: What do you think? Would you rather see me write something more mainstream, or do you think it’s important to shore up the counter-culture?

  • Great medicine

    I’ve got a busy day ahead, but it’s all fun. Visiting, visiting, visiting. (I’m triple-booked.)

    I was up late last night at my editor’s, laughing with a gang of her friends until we cried. God, that’s therapeutic. I guess I was doing a lot of the funny-making, and I must confess that that’s got to be just about the best feeling in the world for me.

    Between my work environment and times like this, it’s nice to be with people who ‘get’ me. I think it’s what we all crave most.

  • Waving goodbye with both hands

    I lost my gloves.

    I’m tempted to think I haven’t, because they’re both gone, but they’re not at Lisa’s and they’re not at work, which means they’re probably riding around and around on a TTC streetcar. I imagine them holding each other.

    I haven’t been wearing them much this trip because it’s so warm. Of course, the natural tendency is to jump to the conclusion that the warmth is freakish and meaningful, but maybe it’s just warm.

    It’s a stark contrast to my last December visit, though. I remember one night last year, stepping over snowbanks and piles of slush with inch-big, wet snowflakes hitting me in the face as I walked to my favourite restaurant to meet my editor (only to discover that it was closed). This morning as I walked to work, the sky was a bright pastel blaze behind the overexposed city skyline.

    Big things are happening at work, and in the evenings I’m visiting with friends (friends are good; conversation is good).