[Transcription of todays sketchblog ]
Last night after work I had dinner with Dan This came at the end of a week in which I had great connections with so many people in the company, on the team, who told me how much they like working with me, how talented I am, how much they depend on me — plus a whole bunch of new opportunities came up, and I made up a few of my own. Essentially, last night Dan told me I could make my own future in the company.
Making this all the more difficult is the brain-fog I feel today: I woke up at 6 or so, as I have been for most of this week, so I showered, ate breakfast, and read a little. I felt tired, so I lay down for a little nap and woke up at 11!
The most plausible explanation I can find for this is a bag of corn chips I had the other day. Oh yeah, and the Reeses Peanut Butter Cups I had after.
I couldnt make it home before visiting Lisa and Alvaro because the streetcars here are so damned slow after the flood and because of the Honda Indy, and every car I have taken on this trip short turns unexpectedly — going up to the station instead of to the destination on the sign. So I couldnt get home for supper and ended up in a convenience store looking for something to munch on.
Hamishes arent good at moderation: If I want to be balanced about something, I have to take it out of my environment. I dont see corn chips very often, and on this occasion my defences were down. I became a monster.
And now I have brain-fog. I should be visiting with people since Im here, but I cant imagine sustaining conversation or having the energy to be on — plus I have done a lot of that this week. Its been great, but Im a introvert and I need to get my energy back by being on my own today.
So here I am, writing, drawing, and thinking about the future.
Being around Dan this week, having such long and intense conversations with him about big topics (like about being a self-organizing individual) had a real effect on me. Its like we were talking about one thing, exploring a topic together, but my cells were being sped up like they say about being in the presence of a Zen master, receiving a transmission. Hes the last one to seek guru status, but his intense focus, the clarity of his ideas — even when I feel really challenged by his views — I appreciate the depth of them and Im challenged to find my own thoughts.
Well, all this speed gave me a feeling of purpose and direction that I had given up on. Scotland has little use for me, and Wick has none.
I guess I wanted to move north so I could be free of demands and create, to see what I could come up with. Of course, in Kolbe parlance Im a Facilitator/Mediator, so I need to get energy by responding to something. I wanted to move into the afterlife, to be in a space of pure freedom. Its been great, spending that time with Craig, finding that no matter how much time we spend together I want more. But now I feel plugged back in. I can see a future thats a bit scary but is full, where I have no future in Wick. I love the coast; I love the people Ive met and the things I have seen. I love what I have been free to create. But this
But this would mean making a big move. Weve talked about it, but with equal confusion, neither of us driving. I dont want to force Craig and I hate the thought of him having to give anything up for me. But if we did this, I would have more to give him and I would become so much more than the vision of me thats living on life support up there.
My darling is on his way tomorrow. We need to talk again about all this, but this time its not just an idea, a should (I should live closer to my parents), its something that fits together with greater sense than nething else I can imagine.